Patient Stories

Chronic Depression: Annie Barkley's Battle

"I relish the 'up' moments"

Annie was diagnosed with chronic depression.

Annie with Diamond at a fall 2003 horse show.

When her father died from brain cancer in October 1999, Annie Barkley fell into a deep state of depression that worsened with time. As her depression deepened, Annie began cutting herself as a way of dealing with her feelings of loneliness and isolation.

In the winter of 2000 Annie was admitted to Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center and began therapy with a Cincinnati Children's therapist in the winter of 2001. Today she continues to make progress, enjoying horseback riding and preparing for college.

Imagine a world where your feelings are constantly numbed and controlled by depression. This world seems distant and foreign, yet it is a reality for many. Annie Barkley, a patient at Cincinnati Children's, is among the thousands of adolescents suffering from depression.

Annie knew something was emotionally wrong with her in the fifth grade; however, she was not properly diagnosed with chronic depression until her freshman year in high school. "It is an intense feeling of being in a downward spiral. You are so plagued by the depression that nothing motivates you. You can't see beyond the moment because you're so wrapped up in all your thoughts," Annie says.

Feeling alone and isolated

A significant factor for Annie's depression was the death of her father. Toward the end of that year her depression worsened, controlling her moods and obliterating any feeling of happiness. Annie's friends did not understand why she could not just snap out of her sorrow. As her moods continued, her friends became distant and started fading out of her life. Annie felt alone and isolated.

Dealing with her depression secretively, Annie began cutting herself.

"The act of cutting released the tension that was in me. I used to wear bracelets and long-sleeve shirts to hide the cuts," Annie says.

Annie was aware that she had a problem and that she could not continue cutting herself. "I wanted to get help because I was scared to be by myself," Annie says.

Cincinnati Children's offers hope

In the winter of 2000 Annie was admitted at Cincinnati Children's, and about a year later she began therapy once a week. For the first time she was able to talk about the sexual abuse she experienced from a trusted best friend's brother and the grief she felt from the loss of her father. Annie no longer felt alone; she was able to communicate her feelings to her therapist and family.

"The sooner you accept what is happening to you and get help, the sooner you begin to heal. It won't be easy or an instant change, but with people behind you, you are able to get well," Annie says.

In therapy she was asked to find outlets where she could focus her time. Annie, who had been riding horses since 2001, began focusing more of her time on riding, showing and training.

"It is therapy to control an animal that is so much bigger, when I don't have control over myself. When I go out and ride I focus only on the horse. Toward the end of the ride my mind is clear," Annie says.

A temporary setback

Annie's depression still haunted her. In summer 2003 Annie developed an eating disorder and was hospitalized in November at Cincinnati Children's to treat the condition. As much as Annie did not like being away from home, she felt Cincinnati Children's created an atmosphere that was safe and where she could make progress.

Christmas 2003 with her two older sisters.(Left to right: Annie, Katie and Liz.)

Annie did not just feel like a patient, but a friend to many of the staff in the psychiatric unit.

"Matt Lucas was my favorite nurse. He made me feel like a good friend. He always kept me updated about the outside world," Annie says.

Changing the outcome for a brighter future

Months after her hospitalization, Annie is making a lot of progress. Now that she has the right levels of medications and has been going to cognitive behavioral therapy with her therapist, Jennifer Wells, Annie is more confident than ever. In fact, she is preparing to attend The College of Mount St. Joseph in the fall of 2004.

"I believe my depression has been a blessing in the idea that it has brought me closer to my family and more aware of my emotions. By going through the crippling down periods, I then relish the 'up' moments, whether they last for an afternoon or a week," Annie says. "I would never wish depression on anyone, not even my worst enemy, but I do think everyone needs to have some sort of understanding of mental illness and its impact on the world."