Bringing Up Girls
Mention mentoring, and many of us think of schools or businesses. But pediatrician Siga Lenkauskas, MD, suggests a family-based spin on the familiar buddy system.
"We want our daughters to grow up to be strong, self-confident young women. One of the best resources parents have is good examples, older girls and women who have arrived at a place their girls want to be, in a way they want to emulate."
Dr. Lenkauskas, of Montgomery Pediatrics, envisions female role models as part of a phalanx of support guarding and guiding young girls.
"From her earliest days, we want to make sure a girl is getting the right messages," she says. "We want her to grow up surrounded by people who will respect and believe in her, so she grows up to be a woman who respects and believes in herself."
Parents are crucial in helping their daughters build that self-respect. "When girls are faced with their first challenges, present them with the clear message that you expect success from them. Give them attainable goals, then support them to help make it happen," she advises. Earned success upon success builds self-esteem, the foundation for a girl's expectation that she will be treated with respect by her female peers, by boys and by adults.
Tuned in to Society's Messages
"Girls seem pre-programmed to be more aware of subtle social cues than boys, and they're very aware of where they stand in the ranks of their subculture," says Dr. Lenkauskas, mother of two daughters and a son. "You can even see that when toddlers play together. In a group of girls, the biggest insult one little girl can say to another is, 'You're not my friend anymore.' Boys don't do that.
"Parents need to be aware that girls are sensitive to relationships within the family and with their friends," she explains. "With younger girls, this can cause them to feel a lot of emotion they don't have words for yet. An older, more experienced viewpoint can help them understand a situation. It might be as simple as saying, 'How do you think your friend is feeling about this?'"
As girls move toward and into adolescence, they often feel the societal rankings more keenly. Dr. Lenkauskas suggests parents look into Caring for Your Teenager, by the American Academy of Pediatrics, and Queen Bees and Wannabees, by Rosalind Wiseman.
Strong Parenting Needed
"Parents need to assert themselves as parents, because there is so much in the world that is dangerous or risky," she says. "Adolescents need to be aware of their situations, of their choice of friends, of what they wear. They do need an adult's opinion: 'This situation is OK, this one is not.' My girls are sick of hearing this, but I say, 'What you wear sends a message – watch what you're saying.'
"Because girls have more sensitivity to subtle social cues, the onus is often on them to make adolescent boys toe the line. They have to say, 'You can't treat me that way,'" Dr. Lenkauskas says.
"Our teenage daughters don't need another friend, but they do need a parent. Parents need to make the unpopular decisions that are in the best interest of their children. They need to set limits, then broaden the choices so that eventually the child is making good decisions in an adult world."
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