Ask Dr. Bob: Bullies and Bullying
- Question
- There's a lot of talk lately about bullying. Is it really much of a problem?
- Answer
- Yes, bullying is still a problem in today's schools.
There isn't as much of "beating people up" or pushing them into lockers, although physical bullying still occurs. Most bullying today is psychological, consisting mainly of intimidation and exclusion.
Webster's dictionary defines a bully as someone who hurts or intimidates another person who is weaker or smaller. That's a little misleading, as the person who gets bullied doesn't necessarily have to be smaller or weaker.
We can understand bullying better by looking at the three major players in this problem.
The bully is a male or female who wants to have power over another person. Many speculate that bullies have low self-esteem, and this is their way of making themselves feel good. A recent study indicates this is inaccurate. While bullies with low self-esteem probably exist, this study suggests that bullies' self-esteem is just fine. What they want is power and control.
The bully's victim is the one who usually has lost self-esteem. These victims often feel helpless, that there is no one to turn to. And, in fact, that may be true. If they seek help, they are discounted or made to feel inadequate. Many adults and peers respond by saying, "Suck it up," leaving victims on their own.
The third player – and the largest group involved with this issue – is the peers of the bullies and of their victims. Unfortunately they are also the quietest. Most don't want to get involved because it feels like too big a risk. And so they don't.
All school kids won't get along all the time. And not all unkind words or actions are bullying. But when it happens over and over to a specific child, that behavior crosses the line to bullying.
What Can Be Done About Bullies?
Schools need to be clear that bullying will not be tolerated. They need to address it early in the school year and spell out the consequences. They should make it known that anyone who is bullied can talk to a principal, teacher or guidance counselor in a safe and private manner. Bullies' victims need to know that their school supports them.
The quiet peers need to stand up for the one who is being bullied and not accept the status quo. If peers got involved, much of the problem would go away, but not getting involved is very ingrained in our society. We need to teach children that it is OK. Yet changing this thinking is probably the hardest task at hand.
Parents also need to get more involved. The parents of those who bully need to hold their children accountable for their actions, not pat them on the back and say, "That's my kid." They need to support the school with any discipline. They need to send an emphatic message to their child that this behavior is unacceptable.
The parents of those who are bullied need to be involved in their child's life enough to realize that something is wrong. Parents who are distant and uninvolved will miss the warning signs because children being bullied eventually act differently. That's the time to ask, "What's wrong?" Make sure your children know you support them and are there for them, no matter the problem.
Bullying is a problem. It still occurs on a daily basis. And it needs to be taken seriously!
