A Child's View of Grief
In a child's evolving world, grief can cover a wide spectrum of experiences, from the loss of a hamster to the divorce of parents to the death of a grandparent. Parents and other supportive adults need an equally wide range of techniques to cope with a child's profound, often confused, sense of loss.
"It can be just as traumatic for a very young child to lose a pet as to lose a grandparent, and they have just as much difficulty with the irreversibility of death," says Susan Zarnowiecki, PhD, in the Division of Psychology at Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center.
Children Seek Reassurance
"From age 2 to 7, children may ask, 'When is Grandma coming back?' They may ask the question over and over, making sure the facts stay the same. Very young children have little concept of time, so adults need to repeat the story and say, 'Grandma isn't coming back.' Often, the underlying question is, 'Are you going to die, too? And if you die, who will take care of me?'
Parents, who themselves may be grieving a move, divorce or death, need to listen carefully for a child's subtext. Sometimes it's helpful to ask a relative or friend to step in to answer questions and make assurances until the parent can cope again.
"Children need to know that no matter what happens, there will always be someone to take care of them," Dr. Zarnowiecki says.
Understanding Comes With Age
As children grow, they come to understand the finality of death. "With children 8 to 10, it's important to talk about the customs around death," Dr. Zarnowiecki continues. "Does the family go to a funeral? To a cemetery? Children this age are interested in practicalities. They want details. If a child says, 'I won't go to the funeral,' parents need to respect that. But for some children, being with relatives during a time of immense loss provides security."
Pre-teens and teenagers "are much clearer about death as an end, and realize it's a mystery even to adults. They may ask about the family's spiritual beliefs and be angry at a God who let this happen. They may have trouble accepting death if they've had harsh words with the deceased. The underlying question is, 'Did I cause this?' They need to be reassured that they didn't cause the death," she says.
Signs of Grieving
Grieving children may experience short-term disturbances in sleep, attention and school work, as well as restlessness and worry about their own and others' safety. Young children may become clingy; others may have dreams or nightmares. Some children may feel rejected by their grieving parents. Others may try to make up for the absence of a sibling or grandparent.
"Some children cry. Others go out and play. Both are normal ways for children to manage their feelings.
"There will be signs if a child's grief is getting too intense. Their behavior becomes extreme or destructive, with serious school or behavioral problems. Older children may get into alcohol or drugs. They may appear tough so they don't have to talk about their feelings."
Resources for Grieving Children
When these problems arise, Dr. Zarnowiecki recommends that parents and caregivers seek support through groups such as:
- GEMS at Beech Acres, for children whose parents are divorcing, 513-231-6630
- Cancer Family Care for families who have lost a loved one to cancer, 513-458-3585
- Fernside Center for grieving children, 513-745-0111
- AIDS Support Group at Mercy Franciscan Hospitals, 513-853-5841
She also recommends a book, How It Feels When a Parent Dies, by Jill Krementz. Essays and pictures by children from age 7 to 16 help illustrate how these children felt.
"Also, the Family Resource Center at Cincinnati Children's is a great place, with books, pamphlets and very helpful librarians," Dr. Zarnowiecki says. "Tell them what the child is experiencing and they can help."
