The Ins and Outs of Teen Cliques
When it comes to fierce hierarchy in social packs, teenagers could teach wolves a thing or two.
Every parent recalls the thrill of being in the incrowd or the pain of being on the outside. Many find it difficult to watch their own children go through this signature turmoil of adolescence.
"Teenagers need a sense of belonging to a peer group," says Paul Chirlin, MD, a pediatrician at Springdale Mason Pediatrics. "The job of adolescence is to break the parent-child link and create more peer links and community involvement.
"Teenagers have always tended to gather with like-minded peers, and that's not unhealthy. Every teen needs peer support. The issue is whether that group is seen as positive or negative, and if it's exclusionary."
Assessing the Group
While the word "clique" may be negative, the alternative "club" can be positive. "Think of the anti-smoking club or Key Club, dedicated to community service," says Dr. Chirlin.
"Teens may have tattoos, piercings and different hairdos, but don't jump to quick assumptions. Determine first if the group is exerting positive peer pressure or negative," he advises.
"Look at your child's friends: When are they out, where are they going, what are they doing? Find out about their parents, if possible. Ask about the group's values, and hope that your child will answer honestly. Reinforce that it's good to have peer support."
Warning bells go off, however, when a peer group accepts some teens and rejects others because of class, religion, race or appearance, and requires members to dislike people dissimilar to them.
"This is very destructive, because it reinforces negative stereotypes," says Dr. Chirlin. "Also, our social conscience is formed when we're young, and it's hard to change the way we feel about certain people when we're adults. It's isolating behavior, so that the friends we have when we're older will be the same friends we had in high school."
When It's Time to Step In
Most alarming is a peer group that requires behaviors with permanent negative consequences, such as those involving drugs, teen pregnancy or crimes. "Parents should lay down the law and push for the child to find some other friends," he says.
More often, teens struggle with the age-old divisions among the nerds, geeks, jocks and cheerleaders. If a child tries to join one of the established groups and is rejected, the pain is very real.
"It's important to let teens express disappointment and anger," Dr. Chirlin says. "Then, you can point out all the things they do well and all the good friends they've had over the years. It's important, too, that teens learn that rejection is a part of life, and learning to accept disappointment is part of growing up."
Spurred on by rejection, some teens work harder to make a sports team or academic society. Parents also can encourage a rebuffed child to find opportunities in other groups that would be more egalitarian.
"Suggest a service or religious organization that is open to all comers, such as Habitat for Humanity, environmental groups and Key Club at school," he advises.
If, however, a daughter is only interested in being a cheerleader and didn't make the squad, "There's little you can do except say you love her, give her a big hug and tell her that tomorrow will be a better day," says Dr. Chirlin. "Parents generally do a very good job at this."
