Spring

Blending Families

For many people, notions of blended families come from such TV sitcoms as The Brady Bunch or from fairy tales, such as Cinderella's trials with her wicked stepmother and stepsisters. Yet when members of two existing families join to form a new one, reality lies somewhere in between, says William Sirbu, PhD, in the Division of Psychology at Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center.

Blending families is never as easy as it sometimes looked on TV. But knowing what to expect and developing coping strategies can keep what's always a challenging process from turning into a grim fairy tale, Dr. Sirbu says.

With half of marriages ending in divorce and 60 percent of remarriages involving parents with children, getting the blend right has become increasingly important.

Step Families vs. Biological Families

"Stepfamilies need to realize that they differ from biological families in many ways," Dr. Sirbu says.

All stepfamily members have experienced important losses (of parents or spouses), which members of nuclear families don't face.
All members of the blended family come with past family histories, and the parent-child bonds predate the parent-couple relationship.
There's an absent biological parent whose influence should be taken into account.
Often the children are members of two households with different rules, styles and personalities.
There's no legal relationship between stepparents and stepchildren.

Issues at Every Age

One of the wild cards in blending families is the age of the children. While conventional wisdom might be that older children can adjust more easily to divorce and remarriage, that's a myth, Dr. Sirbu says.

"The reality is, it's really easier with younger children who've had less time bonding with the other parent. Adolescents in general just have a harder time adapting because they're having their own issues of breaking away from the family."

Younger children face issues, too, of course, varying by developmental stage. Toddlers may not fully comprehend what's happening and believe the biological parent will be back. Children ages 3 to 5 understand their parents will live apart but not the nature of adult conflict. Children aged 6 to 8 may believe reconciliation is possible and have more problems stemming from divorce, such as:

Sadness
Low self-esteem
Self-blame

Four Stages to Unity

The first stage in making a blended family work is for all parties involved to work through the grief and emotional issues related to the breakup of the old family. That's why it's best for divorced parents to wait two to five years to remarry, Dr. Sirbu says.

Also critical at this phase is strengthening the new couple relationship. That is difficult with children around, he says, and suggests adults wait until their relationship is fairly well along – six months to a year – before introducing their new partner to their children. The new couple also needs to make time together without the children after marriage to strengthen those bonds.

A second stage is communicating and developing new traditions, Dr. Sirbu says. Parents should include older children here to improve odds of success. Grandparents, too, need to be brought on board to help ensure they support the new family, or at least don't undermine it, for instance by giving more presents to their biological grandchildren than to their step-grandchildren.

A third stage focuses on forming new alliances within families while preserving the old ones. This means, in part, avoiding "unproductive triangles" in which the biological parent mediates the relationship with the stepparent. Stepparents and stepchildren need to bond through shared activities, Dr. Sirbu says.

The final stage is full stepfamily integration, which can take three to seven years from the beginning of the process.

Gauging Progress

Full integration includes stepchildren accepting stepparents both as nurturers and setters of limits – one of the hardest parts of blending a family. Stepparents may not be the direct enforcers of limits immediately, Dr. Sirbu says, "but there needs to be an agreement to co-manage the children between the couple, to support each other and to agree on limit setting." The four major ingredients for success, he says, are:

Knowledge and recognition of what to expect
Couple unity
Space for children to keep relating to both their biological parents
Civil relationships between all the parental adults

Communication and honest discussion of feelings are important, too, Dr. Sirbu says. It's natural, for instance, for children to be jealous of their new stepparents' and stepsiblings' demands on their biological parents' time and affections. Discussing those feelings openly and reassuring children that they're still loved and not threatened can help.

Blending families is such a demanding process that getting outside help is almost always advised, he says. Many larger churches have support groups for blended families, and psychologists at Cincinnati Children's may also be able to help with counseling or referrals.

Ultimately, patience and humor go a long way. "Blessed are the flexible, for they will not break," Dr. Sirbu says. "Learn to laugh. That's the healing balm. Laugh with the family. Laugh at yourself. Laugh at your mistakes and carry on."