Ask Dr. Bob
How do I deal with an older sibling when the younger one is better at sports?
This question applies in more areas than sports. You can replace "sports" with school, music, dancing, almost any activity. It is a real concern to an older child when the younger one is better at something. Self-esteem is a major issue.
If we don't gently guide our children through this situation, hard feelings, dislike and unhealthy competition
can develop.
The first thing I would say is it is OK to be good at something. There is nothing wrong with one sibling being better than another at any given activity. Acknowledge and encourage your child's ability. Be careful, however, not to compare your children's abilities.
A seemingly innocent statement can send a dagger to the heart of an older child. For example, let's say two sisters are swimming in a race. The younger one swims it faster than her older sister.
Later dad calls attention to it. "Look at this," he says. "Your little sister's time was a little better than yours." This comment seems minor, but to the older daughter,
it hurts.
You can avoid hurtful comparisons by talking about each daughter's race as her own. Saying, "You swam that race well. Your time was better than the last time you swam it," is encouraging and is directed to her as an individual. Believe me, the older daughter knows her younger sister swam faster.
Throughout life, our children will be compared to others and compare themselves to others (including siblings) in all of their activities.
As parents, we need to encourage our kids when they do the best they can in an activity, even if they end up in last place. Again, they will know where they placed; we don't need to emphasize that fact.
We also don't need to apologize for a younger sibling's abilities. The older child will need to "come to grips" that a younger sibling is better at something. Keep the lines of communication open and remember not to compare your children's abilities.
I also believe that siblings should be encouraged to support
each other in their activities. It can be difficult for an older child to support a younger sibling in something the older one doesn't do as well.
Encouraging the older child to go and cheer for the younger sibling is important for building character and developing deeper family relationships.
You cannot force this to occur, but you sure can nurture the
behavior. You are teaching your child to be a humble, generous person and to not always think about "me."
Humility is difficult to teach, but if you model the behavior and encourage your children to root for their siblings, older or younger, it will be a lesson learned.
No child will be perfect at this. No adult is, either! You will see episodes of jealousy, anger, hurt and resentment. Listen to your children's concerns. Be a sounding board. Help them to understand their feelings. You may even have to discipline spiteful behavior. But never apologize for or minimize a sibling's abilities.
By accentuating siblings' individual abilities, by maintaining open, honest communication, and by encouraging siblings to support one another, family relationships will remain deep and strong!
