Helping Teens Through the Snares of Peer Pressure
The inspirational posters make raising independent children sound so easy: Just give them a healthy dose of both "roots" and "wings." But striking the right balance is a challenge for parents, especially with adolescent children.
Juggling a teen's need for independence and individuality in the face of peer pressure is tricky, according to Ted Pappas, MD, a Northern Kentucky pediatrician. "It's like balancing plates on both arms and your nose without dropping them."
From the child's earliest years, parents can begin to arm their children against "the snares of society," he says. "Parents need to be consistent even when their children are toddlers. 'Yes' is 'yes' and 'no' is 'no' – no 'maybes.'"
Unfortunately for parents, as their children grow older and are exposed to destructive behaviors related to drugs, alcohol and sex, "There is no 'peer pressure meter' for parents to gauge what's appropriate in handling problems," says Dr. Pappas.
Traps to Avoid
One mistake parents make is giving children too much independence when they're not mature enough to handle it.
"Teens need limits and structure, and they also need to know that they are loved," he says. "Even though my teenage patients sometimes think it's weird, I tell them to ask advice from their parents, not their peers, adding, 'Your mom won't lead you astray.'"
He's bothered by parents who assume "If everybody's doing it, it's okay. Parents should not automatically accept their teen's answers to their concerns – for example, the significance of a bracelet or armband – but should question everything."
"I define peer pressure to my patients as 'what I think they think I am,' and ask them, 'Do you want to be a slave to all your friends?'" he says.
He finds that teenage girls, especially, look for their self-esteem in others. "Instead they should believe in themselves, accept themselves with all their mistakes and successes."
Teach Problem-Solving
One of the best ways parents can help their teens recognize and resist peer pressure is to teach and model problem-solving, even when children are young. If they learn from their mistakes, they will be stronger and be better able to cope as teens. Dr. Pappas urges parents to be honest when their teens ask why they have limits, perhaps starting with examples of what could result from teens' poor decisions.
Parents also need to consider "the home alone factor" with teens. During the summer and after school, he recommends there be someone home, or teens will think they have "free rein to do everything and anything. That can lead them down a path of destruction." Although parents can't choose their children's peers and can't make decisions for them, they can choose to accept or not accept their teen's behavior.
Hold Teens Accountable
When teens make mistakes or violate family rules, Dr. Pappas advises parents first to take away privileges, then to talk about what happened.
Like toddlers, teens will sometimes throw "tantrums" when held accountable for their actions with peers, often hurling hateful words at their parents. This is the time for parents to stay calm and talk to their teens.
"The last thing parents want to do is demean their children. This only makes them resent you more," he says. "Be humble, be honest, be truthful. Put yourself on their level. Admit your mistakes, using examples from your own life. Your children need to see your human side."
Allowing teens to gain independence without self-destructing takes lots of work.
"There's no easy way, but you have to keep at it and not give up," he says. "You will make mistakes along the way, but you can't go wrong if you talk and listen and are sincere in relating to your teens."
