'Discipline' Takes Discipline
"Are they even listening?" you may wonder, after the 14th "You didn't make your bed" fails to produce results.
If discipline struggles have become a focus at home, it's time to rethink the family's approach, says Marytena Hodges, MD.
While their children are still infants, parents should research and discuss how they will discipline them, she says, drawing a clear distinction between discipline and punishment.
"Discipline is the daily, moment-by-moment attempt to instill your social, cultural and religious values in your child," says the Blue Ash pediatrician and mother of three. "Punishment is a negative event that occurs when a boundary has been crossed or your child's safety has been compromised."
Searching for Models
If parents can look back on their own childhood and say they like the way they were brought up and who they've become, it's safe to use their own family as a model for discipline.
"If they realize they grew up in a dark, angry, uncomfortable home that they wouldn't like to revisit, then they should seek advice about how to change habits so their own children are happy," she says.
Go to parenting conferences, join a parent coffee club, read books that offer a variety of discipline models to find the one that works, she advises.
When counseling parents, Dr. Hodges stresses two principles: be positive and be consistent. "It wouldn't make me happy if my employer gave me only negative feedback. It's easy to get into the habit of telling children what's wrong all the time, but it doesn't make for a happy child."
Expectations First, Then Rewards
Parents also need to clearly define expectations for behavior.
One concrete tool for reinforcing positive behavior in the Hodges home is a chore peg board. After completing morning tasks, such as making beds, each child flips over a disk on a peg under his name.
"At first, I rewarded them for an absurd number of things, but after a while their good behavior became second nature," she says. Among slips in the Hodges' rewards jar are "You get to choose the seat in the car for a week," "Pick the topping for pizza tonight" or "Mom does your chores for the day."
For negative behavior, the children must first resolve the conflict, such as apologizing to a sibling, and then do something nice before they can earn more rewards.
Some parents get frustrated when punishment doesn't lead to changed behavior. If the punishment is repeatedly depriving the child of something, like a computer game, perhaps the game should be stored away until children do enough positive deeds to earn it back, says Dr. Hodges.
Consistency is Key
Both parents must agree upon punishments and administer consequences consistently. If they decide to use physical punishment, the child needs to know the problem behavior ("You can't run out into the street") and the punishment ("You will receive a slap on the bottom").
Parents who have short tempers or were abused as children should never use physical punishment. Parents who feel responsible enough to incorporate physical punishment into their family discipline system must never "bruise the body or bruise the spirit," warns Dr. Hodges.
"Parenting doesn't come naturally. It's a lot of work," she says. "If you start to get discouraged when you meet resistance from your child, seek the help of a licensed social worker or psychologist to turn behavior around."
Fortunately, says Dr. Hodges, in Cincinnati's child-friendly environment, resources are as close as the pediatrician's office, Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center, or other community agencies.
