'Tell the Truth' and Other Hard Lessons
The crash in the kitchen can mean just one thing: your best vase has hit the floor. When your child standing next to the ruins cries, "I didn't do it," what's a parent to do?
The answer may not be so simple, says Laura White, MD, an Anderson pediatrician.
"Children up to about age 6 can't be truthful consistently," she says. "But even with young children, use such teaching moments to show them that they must take responsibility for their actions."
Imaginative young children might better understand the need for truthfulness if they hear the story of "the boy who cried wolf." Dr. White suggests explaining that "if you tell me your sister hurt you and she didn't, that scares Mommy. After a while I might stop listening to you. I need to know the truth to keep you safe."
Balancing Truth and Consequences
Uncovering motives for lying may be the first step to prevention. Young children "lie" because they can't distinguish fact from fiction. Older children lie to cover embarrassment, to stay out of trouble or to keep their parents happy.
"No matter the motivation, parents can't just excuse the actual offense, for example, breaking a vase," she says. "But the consequences for lying always have to be harder than for the misdeed."
Never ask children directly if they're lying or label them liars, she counsels. "I'm disappointed in your behavior" is preferable to "You're bad, and now I don't trust you."
Parents can model desired behavior by avoiding "white lies" to wiggle out of awkward situations. They should never ask children to lie for them ("Tell them I'm not home"). If children ask a question that stumps them, rather than fudging the truth, parents can say they'll think
about it and get back to them.
What's Behind Cheating?
Cheating poses another challenge. Young children want to win so badly at games that they might see nothing wrong with "changing the rules." Let them play alone until they're able to follow the rules, says Dr. White. At some point, they'll understand that group play demands different behavior.
Cheating at school stems from various causes: anxiety, laziness or feeling pressure to be perfect. If children have an undiagnosed learning disability, their frustration may lead them to cheat to get homework done. As with lying, parents can unconsciously communicate that certain forms of cheating are acceptable.
"Realize that you're cheating if you 'rescue' your children by doing their difficult or late school projects," she says. "Don't do it. Sometimes children need to fail to learn responsibility."
Dealing with Stealing
Stealing is equally troublesome, related behavior. It is common in about five percent of children, with the numbers four times higher for boys than girls.
Children who steal may feel pressure from peers to have extra money for class outings, or if allowances or earnings don't measure up to what their friends have. Parents may also consider whether they've overindulged their children and created a feeling of entitlement to whatever they want.
If children are stealing, don't accuse them or force them to confess, she advises, but do lay out the facts. Restitution – for example, returning a candy bar to a store – is an important first step.
"Socializing children to acceptable cultural norms and values takes time, patience and persistence," says Dr. White. "Modeling our values is important because they're always learning from us, whether we're trying to teach them or not."
