Learning to Bounce Back
Like the old saying goes, success is getting up one more time than we're knocked down. Easy enough for adults, maybe, who've graduated from the school of hard knocks, but how do parents help their children develop this essential life skill?
The foundation, as with so much of life, is self-worth. "A parent's most important job is building a child's self-esteem," says Janet Brinn, PsyD, a doctor of clinical psychology in private practice in Mount Auburn and Blue Ash. "This will be a child's psychological armor and protection from drugs, alcohol, delinquency and unhealthy relationships."
The Building Blocks of Confidence
She counsels parents to start construction one block at a time. First, "Give the gift of acceptance. Children need to understand that they're accepted and loved for their faults as well as their good aspects. Acceptance from others helps us accept ourselves."
Then, offer children "lots of chances to find their unique abilities and talents," she says. "If one child is more an artist than a soccer player, fine. Maybe a daughter shines in one school subject, or plays the flute well. Help her strengthen that ability, so she can count on it when she does poorly in another area."
Finally, encourage children to try new things. Make it safe for them to fail. "Remind them that failing is being human, and that parents weren't good at their special skill the first time they tried that, either," Dr. Brinn says. "In a world with pressured schools, parents and society, it's important to show children it's good to try new things, and that trying makes you brave."
Facing Setbacks
And when they fail? "Teach coping skills to handle strong emotions, such as anger, sadness, anxiety and disappointment. Have them shift to something relaxing, like music or a bath. Offer distraction, like tossing a ball in the backyard. Channel the emotion into an activity that expends energy, like riding a bike or playing a sport.
"Encourage the child to talk about the setback, either to a parent, a friend or a therapist," she advises. "Listen and be supportive, but don't tell children how to feel. Tell them the cleverest thing they can do is to learn a lesson from the setback."
For children mired in negative thoughts about themselves, "Help them learn to talk back to that 'stinking thinking' and tell themselves they're not losers."
Children facing difficult circumstances, such as divorce, illness or death, "need to be able to talk about it as much as possible. If not to a parent, to a therapist or in a support group. This helps normalize the experience so the child is not so alone."
With less serious issues, many parents race to fix the problem, conveying the idea that being sad is "a terrible thing. Let them feel bad, but not for months and months. Feelings are like a cafeteria – they're always changing. They don't stay forever unless they're not expressed.
"Let children discover the skills to get through a situation," Dr. Brinn says. "It takes practice to overcome disappointments, but it's better to do it now than when the child is 18 and sitting alone in a college dorm."
