Why Can't They Be This Good at Home?
"Street angel, house devil" and similar colorful phrases reveal parents' frustrations when their child who is "perfect" at preschool or child care transforms into a terror at home.
Is your child manipulating you? Probably not, says Susan Merwin, MD, a Blue Ash child psychiatrist.
In such instances, it's more likely the parents, not the child, who need to change behavior. And, she suggests, parents might take a few tips from teachers and non-parent caregivers.
Compare Home and Away Settings
Structure, individual attention, consistency, warmth and intellectual stimulation – some of these could be missing at home. They're what allow the child to function smoothly in the school or child care environment, according to Dr. Merwin. Observing the differences in the two settings could lead parents to "reassess their home life and alter it to offer what the child is 'showing' he needs," she notes.
She also suggests parents evaluate how evenly they discipline at home. In child care or preschool, adults are often on the same page, communicating a consistent message to children. At home, says Dr. Merwin, one parent sometimes assumes the role of disciplinarian while the other remains quiet. That can undermine the spouse's attempt at discipline.
"A child who can be appropriate at school is generally capable of the same in other settings, such as the home," says Dr. Merwin. So what's the difference?
- Are parents intervening quickly and consistently, the way a teacher would?
- Are parents reinforcing kind behavior in their child at home?
- Are they "relating to their child as a unique and beautiful being, a gift to be enjoyed and treasured"?
Teachers' Techniques
Dr. Merwin recommends several tactics used by teachers that might help at home. One is to "comment on a child's genuine accomplishment instead of simply praising him or labeling what she's done."
Rather than calling the child's picture "beautiful," comment on specific details, such as "the puffy clouds that stand out against the blue sky."
When confronted with a child's misbehavior or power struggles, do what teachers do: give time-outs or emphasize logical consequences -- "If you do this, then this will happen".
When a child acts inappropriately, such as hitting a sibling, she counsels parents to "stress the deed, not the doer." Reinforce that the hitting is bad, not the child who hit. That approach helps preserve the child's self-esteem.
Protecting Parents' Time
Part of the home behavior problem could be that parents are too tired and stressed at the end of a workday to interact consistently and attentively with their child. Unfortunately, that sends a message: "They don't have enough time or energy to listen to, play with, or truly enjoy their child."
"When parents first come home, they might acknowledge that they're glad to see their child with a quick connection, like a hug," advises Dr. Merwin. "Then they might say, 'Mommy's had a long, hard day, and I need 15 minutes of quiet time before we do something together.'"
Dr. Merwin reminds parents that taking their own "time-out" is not selfish, but essential. When they face the challenges of parenting, they don't want to be so drained that they can't be truly "parental."
Finally, she says, "Keep in mind that raising children is a process. Patience and diligence are key. Nothing changes overnight."
Resources
Dr. Merwin recommends Teaching Children to Care by Ruth Sidney Charney, which incorporates many techniques used in school settings that parents might use at home.
