Driven to Win
Who hasn't known the child who can't stand not to win? She pouts when she doesn't get the lead role in the school play. He stays in his room for days because he didn't advance in the spelling bee. She slams down a third-place sports trophy in defeat.
In younger children whose world centers on themselves and who see only the extremes of life, with no grays, this behavior is expected, says Wendi Lopez, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Cincinnati Children's.
But if children haven't outgrown a "winning is everything" mindset by the early grades, parents should examine factors reinforcing this attitude and take steps to change them. If they don't, their children may end up loners in their later years.
Children ages 2 to 4 still can't see another's perspective. They need to be the center of attention, so it's normal for them to be upset when they don't win. At this age they should not be competing, but learning essential skills, such as the basics of tumbling or the letters of the alphabet, Dr. Lopez says.
'Where Did They Learn That?'
As children move into team or competitive activities, parents need to model sportsmanship, because their example has a huge impact.
"When a Bengals player drops the ball on a televised game, do parents curse, throw things at the TV and sulk about the loss?" asks Dr. Lopez. "Do they brag excessively about their children's accomplishments so that they internalize pressure to win? Do parents treat the soccer team to ice cream only for a win?"
Parents need to look at the messages they convey to children because staying too long in the "to win is good, to lose is bad" mentality can deflate a child's self-esteem, Dr. Lopez says. "Children begin to believe that if they lose, they are a loser. This can lead to depression, anger and frustration."
This thinking can affect how children see others and how they pick friends. It can also lead to bullying other children perceived as "losers." In the long run, over-competitive children may spend lots of nights at home alone, she says, unwanted at parties or sleepovers.
Our Competitive Culture
A competitive culture fuels this drive to win, Dr. Lopez observes. Even family-friendly TV shows, such as Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? and Amazing Race, stress winning over losing, enticing contestants with money and fame. In the past, she notes, young children entertained themselves by playing "pretend." Today many turn to video games, competing against friends or anonymous players on the internet.
To counter these trends, she suggests parents steer young children to games where winning comes from luck, not strategy, such as the classic Candy Land". Children will begin to realize that losing is okay and will not cause parents to love them less.
As children get older, encourage noncompetitive activities, such as Scouts, martial arts, music lessons, or trips to the park to play on swings and slides.
"Start early with the message that winning isn't everything," says Dr. Lopez. "If you gently reinforce the values of sportsmanship and fun, someday you will be rewarded by hearing your child say, 'It's okay if we lost. We did our best.'"
