Divorced and Ready to Date?
The pain of divorce is slowly subsiding, and the time feels right to ease back into the dating scene. But how will you tell your children, and how will they react?
Although there's no perfect blueprint, the essential guideline, according to Catherine Yost, MD, is to make decisions with your children in mind.
The reaction depends on a child's age, says the Clermont County pediatrician. Once children are past about age 2, this new wrinkle in their lives will have some effect on them, so parents should "Step back and see the situation from that child's perspective."
No matter how old they are when their parents divorce, children take a while to adjust to this change in their world. One reason children might be upset about dating is that this new behavior by one parent doesn't fit into their fantasy that their parents will get back together.
Spare Them the Details
Although honesty is always important in dealing with children, in the beginning of a relationship, Dr. Yost suggests that parents tell their child they are meeting a friend. If possible, plan first dates on weekends when children are staying with the other parent or a grandparent.
Children may assume more than is true, and you may never see that person again after one or two dates. "Don't introduce your children to every date," says Dr. Yost.
Beware the tendency to share too many details with older children. Because teens are forming their own identities and have their own relationship issues, Dr. Yost urges adults to find outlets other than their children for dating discussions, such as a sibling or close friend.
Getting Serious
If the dating relationship becomes sexual, how much extramarital sex should children be aware of? None, advises Dr. Yost.
"When a divorced parent has sexual relations, children are confused," she says. "It's especially hard for teenagers, who see the parent's behavior as a double standard if the parent has told them to abstain from sex until marriage."
Once the dating relationship turns serious, there is no fail-proof way to introduce children to this new person. The first interaction should be brief, at some place where the child feels comfortable and safe.
Ask and Listen
"Afterwards, ask your children open-ended questions, such as 'What was your favorite thing about today?'" Dr. Yost says. "They may not want to talk right away, but at least give them the chance."
Then let children ask you questions. Be ready for "Is he your boyfriend?" or "Are you going to marry her?"
Listen to your children's feelings, and be alert to any suggestion that the date is mistreating them, especially until you get to know that person better. Unless there are safety concerns, however, "Don't stop dating just because the child doesn't want you to or doesn't like your new partner," says Dr. Yost.
Parents should also take advantage of agencies that can help them and their children through tensions surrounding divorce and dating. "Many schools have groups where children can talk about their experiences, get support and realize they are not alone in what they're going through," she says.
