What to expect when adopting an older child
By: Carrie Johnson, MSSA, LSW
With adoption, there are many choices to be made — international or domestic, agency or private adoption, boy or girl, and infant or older child. In adoption lingo an "older child" is considered to be any child two years of age or older. While we weigh the pros and cons of each of these options, we search for the best situation for our family. Adopting an older child has advantages including already being potty trained and having more of the child's history to evaluate prior to adoption, and disadvantages such as "un-teaching" values with which you do not agree and the ghosts of the child's past.
When adopting an older child, it is important to remember that just as prospective parents have expectations, so does the child. Expect some period of initial rejection, as the child may not choose to love you at first sight. Help prepare your child and yourself for this if possible by sending a photo book so the child can get used to you prior to your arrival.
When you meet your child, it is also helpful to get out of the house or hotel room and do something physical. By getting outside and involving everyone in an activity, the family is still able to be together and bond while decreasing the pressure of being intimate for an extended period of time. Expect to have second thoughts. Adoption can be more like an arranged marriage than love at first sight. Your feelings for the child and the child's feelings for you may not develop overnight, but must be given room to grow. By continuing to act in a loving, caring manner towards the child, those feelings will gradually blossom into a wonderful relationship.
Also remember that adjustment is not a linear path. Often children take three steps forward and then five steps back. Adopting an older child involves a great deal of change for both the child and your family. From new foods and new rituals to new thoughts and feelings, bringing a child into your home is an adjustment for everyone. Strategies for dealing with these issues include maintaining control and structure — don't change rules or routines just because there is friction. Consistency is key. Keep calm. Your anxiety, fear or anger ratchets up the child's anxiety, fear or anger. Along with adjustment, socialization and the creating of a new value system takes time to develop. Make sure you feel comfortable explaining your values, culture or environment to your child, as well as explaining adoption to others who might be interested.
With socialization, it is important to act as a sensory manager for your child so that he or she is not put into situations of sensory overload. In addition, review expectations with the child about rituals and rules for situations. Be specific about what is acceptable and what will not be tolerated. Feelings are paramount. Both you and your child will experience the gamut of feelings throughout the adoption and the rest of your life. Allow the child to feel the emotions, own them, and express them no matter what feelings they may be. Show your child how to appropriately express feelings by getting a punching bag or giving them a safe place to scream.
It is also vital that parents remember and understand the immense sadness and grief the child might have experienced. Anything can be a trigger for those feelings. It is most valuable to be a supportive, understanding person in the child's time of sadness or grief.
Finally, remember that every child's story is different. The tough thing about preparing for adoption is that there simply isn't any way to know what's ahead.Your child may have none of the issues described here, but may encounter other issues. By preparing and educating yourself of the possibilities, you at least know where to get help, that others have managed similar issues and that you are not alone. There are many advantages to older child adoption and in many ways some families may find this type of adoption to be easier than infant adoption. Depending on the child's age, an older child might be more self sufficient with dressing, bathing, eating, and playing. It is also easier to learn about an older child's abilities, interests, and personality than with an infant. With older children more history, including childhood illnesses and developmental history, may be available to be evaluated by specialists before accepting a referral. This history also provides a window into the child's past. The child might have special memories, favorite foods, or even fluency in another language. With this history, the family can help retain and synthesize these memories into an extraordinary life story. There are many choices to be made during the adoption process. Whatever type of adoption is chosen, the child will benefit from a loving, caring, nurturing home with a forever family. There is no greater gift that a family can give.
