The language of love
By Candy Day
A friend I had known for several years recently stopped me after church one Sunday and asked me, "are the kids really brother and sister?" My two children are internationally adopted — one is from South America and the other from Asia, yet they look surprisingly alike. "You mean are they biologically related?" I asked to clarify her question. Flustered, she replied, "Yes, that's what I mean — biologically related," and I went on to explain their unique nationalities. The following week she approached me again and offered an apology for the manner in which she had phrased her earlier question.
It's not uncommon for parents of adopted children — or adopted children themselves — to have awkwardly phrased questions regarding their family addressed to them. While some inquiries really are private matters that need to be respected (for example, why was an adoption plan made for this child, how much did an adoption cost, whether my children have biological siblings, etc.), other questions are common, and, when asked in a way that will not hurt my children, I am usually comfortable answering, in an effort to further educate others about the joys of adoption.
Most adoptive families recognize the language of love — the terminology that we use to describe certain adoption terms. In an effort to broaden the language, I share some common terms and some loving options for them.
"Do you know who the real mother / father is?"
The three parties in adoption include the child, the adoptive parents and the birth parents. Together, these three comprise the adoption triad. Graphically this triad honors the presence of all three in the relationship. Birth parents are those parents who gave life to this child. Adoptive parents are those parents who will raise the child. Both of these sets of parents are "real."
"Which of these children are your own?"
Once an adoption is finalized, that child joins a family. In other words, they are just like any other child within that family, whether they joined the family through adoption or biologically. Adoptive parents consider all of their children their own children.
"Why did the real parents put him up for adoption / give him away?"
Extra kittens are given away, extra vegetables from the garden are put up for the winter. Often birth parents make an adoption plan for children who they do not feel capable of raising. In many cases, this is a very painful, but loving, decision about what is best for the child.
"Why was this child unwanted?"
I recently read a story written by a birth mother about her decision to make an adoption plan for her son. Thirty years later, she wrote that for her to forget about that son would have been like forgetting that she had a leg — it just wasn't going to happen! Adoption is a loving choice, made by birth parents who, for whatever reason, feel that they are unable to raise that child. Adoptive parents work tirelessly to complete the requirements, pray endlessly to be given the opportunity, and celebrate with deep joy the children who are brought into their lives. My children were placed for adoption, but they were never unwanted.
Candy Day is the Ohio administrator for Families Thru International Adoption
