Hints for Helping Others
The Bereavement Team at Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center provides some "Do's and Don'ts" for helping those who are grieving.
Give them permission
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| Simple words like "I'm sorry" can mean more than trying to make them feel better. There are no words to ease the pain of their loss. "I'm sure this is a difficult time for you" keeps the focus on them by acknowledging their grief. |
Allow the grieving person to cry, be sad or angry. It is OK to feel whatever they are feeling. Grief is a process and it takes time to work through all the feelings. Let them know that it is OK to cry, be angry, sad, etc. Let them know that you are there, no matter what.
Don't try to take their pain away
No two people grieve the same way. Pain is part of the grieving process. You can not carry their burden of grief for them.
Offer your support
You can not understand their grief but you can relate to it by your own experiences of grief. "I don't know how you feel but I know how I felt when I lost my….. I know how hard this must be for you." Don't tell them how to feel, allow them to tell you how they feel. It's not about you and your grief, it's about them and their grief!
Don't minimize their grief
Since no two people grieve the same way you do not know how they feel. Your grief was uniquely yours and their grief is uniquely theirs. Allow them to experience their own grief. Avoid things such as "you must be strong," "they wouldn't want you to feel this way," "you shouldn't cry," "they had a long life," etc.
Tell stories about the person who died
The bereaved like to hear stories about their loved ones. Call the deceased by name and personalize the experience. While the stories may bring tears and they also bring laughter and fond memories.
Don't be afraid to use the name of the deceased
Talk about the person who died and use his/her name. Grieving people often state that "no one refers to him/her anymore.
Reach out
Be specific in your offers to help rather than "call me if I can do anything." Grief is hard work and they may not be able to ask for help but would gladly accept offers of assistance. "I'm going to the store on Friday, would you like to go with me?" "I'll take the kids to practice and bring them home." "I like to do yard work and I would like to help you with the yours." "Let's plan on lunch next Wednesday."
Avoid Clichés
While cliches may seem helpful, they often offend those who are grieving. And chances are they have heard them already. Just be present and if you can't think of anything to say, ask an open ended question. Allow them to share whatever they are feeling.
