Coping with Teen Stressors
Story of Coping | Dealing with Stressors | Coping Examples | Coping Styles
Story of Coping
My life seemed over. My family life was rapidly changing forever and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I never thought that the two people I loved most in the world would want to hurt me like that. How could MY parents of all people be getting a divorce? After the first few months went by, my mom told me we couldn't afford to stay in our home any longer. I didn't know what to say or even how to react. We had been in our house since I was born; my best friend lived next door. Now I had to start all over again and try to make new friends. I couldn't stand the pain I was going through and felt like running away and hiding in a dark hole.
Learn more about Helping Blended Families After a Divorce. KidsHealth.com also offers tips on Helping Your Child Through a Divorce.
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Dealing with Stressors
There are two ways to cope or deal with stressors: in a positive, or adaptive, way or in a negative, or maladaptive, way. Adaptive coping means dealing with the stressor effectively. Negative, or maladaptive coping, means ineffectively responding to stress, which often results in harm to oneself or others.
There are a variety of coping styles that people use when dealing with stressors. The three most effective styles in dealing with stress are:
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Coping Examples
Here are some examples of adaptive and maladaptive coping techniques:
| Positive | Negative |
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| Examples of Adaptive Coping | Examples of Maladaptive Coping |
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- Smoking cigarettes
- Spending time alone / isolation / social withdrawal
- Avoiding problems
- Eating comfort foods (Often this is instead of eating a healthy diet or perhaps taking in excessive calories)
- Yelling or lashing out at others
- Physical fights
- Using drugs
- Drinking alcohol
- Thrill-seeking (Putting yourself at risk or in danger to get a "high" or thrill)
- Binging / purging / restricting calories / eating disorders
- Learn about a Team Approach for Eating Disorders
Physical self-abuse / mutilation (Defined as behaviors that deliberately cause harm to self without meaning to die. These behaviors are not suicidal but can occur with suicidal wishes. Behaviors can include burning, cutting, piercing with sharp objects or hitting self. It does not include tattoos or socially accepted body piercing.) Self-criticism Wishful thinking (Energy is spent on wishing yourself out of the problem instead of thinking of ways to solve or respond to it. For instance, wishing you didn't have to go through this, wishing things were like they used to be, wishing you were someone else, or even wishing you were dead.) Blaming others (Perhaps as a way of saying you're not accountable if it's not your fault. However, even though you may not be at fault, it's still your responsibility to respond to the problem in a positive way. So, instead of looking for someone / something to blame, figure out what you need to do about it.) Resignation (Giving up or quit trying to work things out due to feeling very hopeless or helpless about your situation.) |
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Coping Styles
There are many coping styles people use when dealing with stressors. Some are more effective than others.
Confrontive / Evasive Coping Styles
While talking on her cell phone, Sara accidentally backed her mother's brand new car into a light pole when pulling out of the restaurant parking lot. She is now faced with what to do about this. Below are examples describing the type of coping styles she may use in this situation.
| Most Effective | Least Effective |
|---|
| Confrontive Coping |
Evasive Coping |
| Confronting the problem head on or directly dealing with the problem. This could involve using a problem-solving technique. |
Avoiding / running from the problem – In this case, Sara may take the car to a friend's house and avoid going home for the weekend. |
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Other avoidant activities could be: sleeping all the time, being a workaholic or just keeping busy, doing drugs or alcohol, or blaming others as a way to escape the problem or not being accountable. However, the problem really doesn't go away and things often become worse with this style of coping. |
| Problem-Solving Technique |
|---|
- State the problem -- Mom's brand new car is wrecked
- Find solutions or ways to respond to problem:
- Option 1: Lie to mom about what happened
- Option 2: Tell the truth about what happened
- Option 3: Say nothing and act surprised when mom sees the damage
Carefully consider the pros (positive consequences) and cons (negative consequences) of your solution or response to the problem. Pros and Cons of Option 1:
Pros – If you lie, maybe mom won't be as angry with you about the damage; you will be able to keep your cell phone; you won't lose driving privileges
Cons – Mom will be angrier with you if she learns the truth and will no longer trust you; you'll feel guilty for lying; you will definitely lose your cell phone and driving privileges if mom discovers the truth. Pros and Cons of Option 2:
Pros – If you tell the truth, mom will trust you more for it, you won't feel guilty for lying, you'll feel better about yourself for doing what is right.
Cons – You may lose cell phone or driving privileges, but these punishments are temporary in nature Pros and Cons of Option 3:
Pros – If you say nothing, you won't lose your cell phone
Cons – Mom may not believe you and be angrier; you still may lose driving privileges; you will lose mom's trust if she finds out the truth; you would definitely lose cell phone privileges for not being upfront about it.Decide whether what you plan to do is right or wrong. If uncertain whether what you are doing is right or wrong, then ask yourself if you would still do this if others knew about it. If you wouldn't do it if others knew or found out about it, then don't do it! If your solution or approach is against your values or wrong to do, then don't do it. Do the right thing. In this case, the only right thing to do is to tell the truth. At least you can earn back your privileges of using the car or you cell phone in time. It is more difficult, though, and may take a lot longer to earn someone's trust after you've betrayed their trust by lying. Evaluate the outcome of your action. Did things get better? If the approach you are using doesn't work or improve the situation, then try something else. However, sometimes doing the right thing may seem to make things worse in the short run. However, in the long run, things will eventually work out and you will grow in the process. Sometimes, you just have to keep finding the next best thing to do until it finally gets resolved or settled. |
Support / Self-Reliant Coping Styles
Katie began cutting herself when she was 12 years old. When her mother discovered this, she took her to see a psychologist who diagnosed her with major depression. She began therapy and was prescribed an antidepressant medication.
However, two years later, Katie began feeling numb and stopped taking her antidepressant medication without telling her parents or doctor. She then began cutting herself and tried to stop on her own, but continued to be tempted daily to do it again. She didn't know how to tell her parents or doctor about it and just wanted to run away to show them how she was feeling.
| Most Effective | Least Effective |
|---|
| Supportant Coping |
Self-Reliant Coping |
| |
(Does not work with Depression / Mental Disorders) |
| Asking for help – Katie had already been seeing the school nurse for some headaches she had been having at school. This would have been a good time to tell the nurse about how she was feeling numb and stopped taking her medication. The nurse could have helped her talk to her mom about the problem before things became worse. |
Trying to "fix" the problem yourself – Katie thought the medication wasn't helping her so she quit taking the antidepressant. After she quit taking the medication, she began cutting herself and tried to stop on her own. However, she continued to be tempted to cut herself and began feeling more depressed, as well as having thoughts of wanting to die. Her depression was getting worse. |
| Talking to someone about your problems and feelings (i.e., a trusted adult or friend) – Katie had a good friend who she finally talked to about her thoughts of wanting to die. Her friend was able to convince her to tell someone who could help and offered to go with her to see the school nurse. The school nurse called Katie's mother who then took her to see a professional. |
Keeping problems / feelings to self – Katie never told her parents how she felt, but just kept her problems and feelings a secret. Instead of talking to them, she wanted to run away to show them how she was feeling. |
| Religious activities – Being actively involved in a youth group at church / synagogue; finding purpose and meaning in your life through your faith. |
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| Support Groups – joining a group of people in your age group who are sharing a similar problem as you. For example, there are support groups for children / teens who are grieving the loss of a loved one, have a drug or alcohol problem, or who have been abused. |
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Seeking professional help: - School nurse or counselor
- Physician -- a family doctor or pediatrician
- Mental Health Professional -- such as a psychiatrist, psychologist, or psychotherapist
- Clergy -- a minister, rabbi, priest or youth minister.
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Optimistic / Fatalistic Coping Styles
Tony, a 16-year-old teen, and two of his friends decided to go squirrel hunting one Saturday afternoon. Tony's friend, Matt, was directly behind him when he saw a squirrel running up a tree. He took a quick shot at it and ended up shooting Tony in the right side of his skull and ear. Tony had massive bleeding from the ear and head. His friends rushed him to the hospital where he was immediately taken to surgery. Tony needed multiple skin grafts to reconstruct the ear and was in a lot of pain. He ended up with permanent hearing loss and a continued loud ringing in the affected ear. Read in the examples below describing how Tony remained optimistic throughout his crisis.
| Most Effective | Least Effective |
|---|
| Optimistic Coping |
Fatalistic Coping |
| |
(Often used by depressed / suicidal teens) |
| Looking at the bright side – Tony realized he could have been killed or brain damaged if he had moved his head or body to the right when his friend pulled the trigger. |
Pessimistic / negative thinking – For instance, Tony could be resentful about his hearing loss and just constantly complain about the loud ringing. He could also think that his life has been ruined because of his impairment. Your body is negatively affected by each negative thought you have. It is important to challenge negative thinking or add supportive statements to them. |
| Using a sense of humor (Not sarcasm) -- Although Tony was in a lot of pain, he joked about it. When asked by others what had happened, he replied, "Oh, my friend thought we were ear hunting." Humor does help people feel better by causing endorphins to be released into the bloodstream. These are the body's natural painkillers, which are also released during exercise. |
Thinking there's no way out, feeling hopeless -- For example, Tony could have thought that he can't live the rest of his life with this hearing impairment and, as a result, end up with suicidal behaviors. However, although you may not be able to get out, around or over a situation, you can always get through it. Often this may be with the help of other people. |
| Thinking positive -- or being hopeful. For example, although Tony didn't like the loud ringing in his ear, he was hopeful that he could find ways to adjust. For instance, he discovered the ringing wasn't as noticeable at bedtime when he had the radio on. Another way to be positive is to have an attitude of gratitude. Tony was actually thankful to be alive with no brain damage, which aided in his recovery. |
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Palliative Coping (Trying to feel better)
Megan and her mother got into an argument about Megan going to a friend's party. Megan blew up when her mom told her she was going to call and talk to the parents first. Mom then told her she wasn't going anywhere and sent her to her room. While in her room, Megan used various relaxation exercises to calm herself before trying to talk to her mother.
| Palliative Coping |
|---|
| Healthy Ways |
Unhealthy Ways |
| Eating a balanced diet |
Self-medicating with drugs / alcohol |
| Exercise -- this conditions your body to better handle stress. Also, endorphins, the body's natural painkillers, are released when you exercise. This contributes to a sense of well-being. Regular exercise can help reduce feelings of stress, which means getting at least 45 minutes of some form of aerobic activity (dancing, walking briskly, bicycling, skating, dancing, basketball, jumping rope, etc.) four times a week. |
Self-mutilation -- Defined as behaviors that deliberately cause harm to self without meaning to die. These behaviors are not suicidal but can occur with suicidal wishes. Behaviors can include burning, cutting, piercing with sharp objects or hitting self. It does not include tattoos or socially accepted body piercing. Learn more about cutting and other self-mutilation behaviors by reading Cutting through the pain: It's not just a nervous habit but rather a serious disorder, a recent article in the Cincinnati Enquirer. |
Getting adequate sleep -- studies show that teenagers need 9.2 hours of sleep each night. Most teenagers get less than 7.5 hours of sleep, which means most teenagers are sleep deprived. This sleep deprivation cannot be made up over the weekends. Studies show that teenagers who are sleep deprived have more depressive symptoms and more difficulty in schoolwork, as well as more accidents. |
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| Using a journal / writing -- expressing feelings by writing them down in a diary or journal. |
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Relaxing -- i.e. listening to music or using techniques such as: - Deep breathing
- Take a slow deep breath while counting to "6," hold it to a count of "4," and then breathe out slowly to a count of "6."
- Will decrease the urge to yell at someone
Progressive muscle relaxation (Tensing and then relaxing muscle groups) Start with muscle groups below, such as toes and feet, and work up to legs, then buttocks, abdomen, and finally ending with neck and facial muscles Tense or tighten the muscle group while taking a deep breath, hold until a count of "4" and then relax and breathe out Do exercise twice before going to next muscle group Practice whenever feeling tense or stressedImagery Go to your "happy place" When thinking of a calm, happy place, activate the senses Imagine what you see, hear, taste and feel while there If imagining walking on a beach, think how it feels when the waves gently touch your feet, the smell of the ocean, the sound of the ocean's roar, the taste of the salty water, and etc.Meditation (Clearing your thoughts) Start with your body being in a comfortable position and in a quiet area Practice deep-breathing while focusing on a relaxing word, inspirational verse, a sound (like a hum), or relaxing image to keep other thoughts out This takes practice, if you detect other thoughts coming in your mind, just focus more intensely on that word, verse, sound, or image you decided upon |
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Emotive Coping
After getting over the shock of hearing the news that their best friend was killed in an accident, John and Ricky became angry. Both boys were outside standing next to John's car and were so upset that they wanted to punch something. They then began to punch John's car. John ended up wearing a cast to the funeral after fracturing his wrist during the episode.
| Emotive Coping |
|---|
| Letting off steam – the best way to let off steam is to exercise. Running, jogging, working out, and / or weight-training are alternate ways to let off steam. However, safety measures should be used at these times to avoid injury. For example, some safety measures could include having a spotter available when lifting weights or wearing gloves when hitting a punching bag. |
| Yelling |
| Hitting |
| Risk-taking – road rage is an example of people becoming angry on the highway and taking excessive risks to let off steam. |
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