Teen Stressors

Family Stressors

There are a number of risk factors for depression and suicide associated with family stressors.

Story of Family Conflict | Stressors | Positive Ways to Resolve Conflict | Rules for Fighting Fairly | Anger Management

Story of Family Conflict

Sara is a 15-year-old who lives with her parents, 12-year-old brother and 10-year-old sister. They live in a house in a small suburban neighborhood. Both parents work and mom just recently started a new job after being laid off a few weeks ago from her previous job of eight years. Her dad travels a lot in his job, and Sara mostly sees him on the weekends. She has noticed her parents arguing a lot lately because dad doesn't help out much when he comes home. He says he just wants to relax when he's home and not have to work or go out. Her mom feels stressed by trying to adjust to a new job, keep up with the chores, take the children to their sporting events, and discipline the children without any help from Sara's dad.

Sara feels frustrated at home because mom is putting more pressure on her to cook, clean, do the laundry and look after her siblings. She doesn't have time to be with her friends or finish all of her homework and isn't getting much sleep. Mom just yells at her when Sara tries to tell her she can't get her schoolwork done and needs a break from babysitting. Sara also gets blamed whenever any conflict arises between her and her siblings because she's the oldest and should know better.

Sara has given up trying to talk to her parents and is beginning to feel hopeless about her life. She thinks there's no point to going on and can't see things getting any better. Sara is becoming irritable and depressed and may be at risk for suicide.

Fortunately, Sara's mother talked about all the stress at home to a friend, who suggested they see a family therapist to help them work out their problems. After several visits to the therapist, Sara's family members learned how to listen to each other without getting defensive. They worked out a family contract that defined each person's duties at home, which helped lighten the load for Sara. Family members also quit blaming one another and started working together to resolve conflicts. Sara began to write down her feelings. She was able to share what she wrote with her parents without everyone yelling at each other. The family now schedules weekly meetings to discuss the problems of the week and to share events in their lives. Sara is now able to spend more time with her friends and feels much better about her life.

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Family Stressors

There are a number of risk factors for depression and suicide associated with family stressors. A family history of depression, for instance, increases a person's risk 3-4 times for getting depression. A family history of substance abuse also increases a person's risk for depression as well as being a substance user. A family history of suicide, high levels of family conflict, poor communication with parents, parental separation / divorce, and high pressure to succeed are also among the risk factors for depression and suicide. (Learn more about Helping Blended Families After a Divorce. KidsHealth.com also offers tips on Helping Your Child Through a Divorce.) Serious or chronic medical illness of a family member can also contribute to depression in teenagers.

Family connectedness is a protective factor against depression and suicide. Families can become more connected by improving communication skills and by finding positive ways to resolve conflict.

It is important that parents be consistent and model positive behaviors for their children. Children are more likely to remember what you do than what you say. Conflicts can arise when parents' behaviors contradict their words. Double standards occur when parents tell their children to do one thing while they do another. For example, parents may tell their children to not drink and drive, yet the children see the parents doing this. What, then, is the message? If parents want their children to be respectful, then parents need to show the same respect to their children as well as to other people.

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Positive Ways to Resolve Family Conflict

  • Talking / expressing feelings
    • Children need to be given the freedom to think and feel. If children are not allowed to talk things out, they will often act them out. It's important, therefore, that children be allowed to express their negative feelings as well as voicing their own, and sometimes opposing, opinions to parents so they can better connect with them.
    • Eating meals together can provide opportunities for family members to talk to each other. If conflicting schedules prevent this, then parents and teens need to be creative around times they can get together. Some teens, though, may have difficulty opening up to their parents in spite of these efforts. Parents may then begin probing and asking their children a lot of questions. This is often perceived by children as nagging or prying. Instead, parents can engage their teens in topics (i.e., sports, movies, or clothes) or activities (i.e., family game night or offering a back rub or foot massage) that the teens enjoy. Teens may also engage parents in this way if they have trouble talking to them.
    • Some teens complain of being constantly criticized or corrected by their parents, making it difficult for them to talk or open up. It is important for parents to give positive feedback and affirmation to their teens. Parents can build trust with their teens by regularly sharing something positive they see them doing. Teens can also build trust with their parents by talking to them more or by asking them questions about their lives.
  • Family meetings
    • Schedule regular times when family members can meet to discuss the week's activities, how everyone is feeling about things, etc.
    • Arrange a time for everyone to be together to discuss problems within the family
      • Establish ground rules for the meeting, such as be patient, be respectful and everyone has a turn to share without being interrupted
  • Writing a letter
    • Throw away the first angry letter and rewrite it.
    • Use "I" statements in the letter. Instead of saying "You make me so mad" or "You do this" or "You're so ___" say, "I feel ___ when you do____" or "This is how I look at things…." Or "This is why I do what I do…"
  • Contracts – verbal or written agreements
    • Examples:
      • Parents and children often have conflicts over the child's "messy" room. Having a contract about what a clean room looks like, how often child will clean the room, etc. may decrease conflict.
      • To ensure a child will call home when in trouble, parents can agree to pick the child up whenever he or she needs a ride home without complaining. (This may save a life.)
      • When verbally communicating with one another, make an agreement not to yell.  Agree to help one another by using a hand signal or other cue when anyone starts to raise his / her voice
  • Family therapy
  • Clarifying intentions
    • Find out the reason behind people's actions without making assumptions
      • Some children think a parent is "out to get me" or wants "to make my life miserable" when told "no" instead of realizing their parents want to protect them. The intention then is to keep their children safe.
      • Once an intention is clarified, the child can negotiate with the parent to meet the intention and perhaps be able to do the activity.
  • Reframing the problem
    • Look at external stressors causing the conflict instead of blaming each other for a problem. That way people can blame things instead of each other and work together on solving the problem.
      • For example, instead of siblings blaming each other for a fight over the internet, they blame the computer or internet, or conflicting schedules, etc., for the problem and work on ways to share the internet.
  • Rules for Fighting Fairly
  • Anger management

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Rules for Fighting Fairly

  • Use words instead of fists, but:
    • NO name-calling
    • NO yelling
    • NO self-hurting
    • Be respectful
  • Express feelings honestly
    • Don't tell a person how he / she thinks or feels (i.e., "You try to make my life miserable," or "You hate it when I'm happy"). Instead, tell them how you feel (i.e., "I feel miserable when _______ or I'm not happy about _______").
    • Don't attack. Use "I" statements
      • Saying "I feel like you're treating me like a baby" is a judgment, not a feeling. Instead, express how that feels, such as, "I feel like a baby when I'm not allowed to do things that other kids do."
  • Listen and acknowledge what was heard
    • Ask questions to show you want to understand
    • Play back in your own words what you think the other person is saying so they can determine whether you understand
  • Solve problems when they occur
    • Stick to one issue, don't bring up past issues

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Anger Management

  • Identify feelings so they don't get in the way of communicating
    • Feelings are neither good nor bad, right nor wrong
    • It's what you DO when you're feeling a certain way that can be right or wrong
  • Recognize anger
    • Be alert to cues that you're getting angry:
      • Heart racing
      • Breathing fast
      • Biting lip or clenching fist
      • Flushed feeling in face / neck
  • Use relaxation techniques
    • Deep breathing
      • Take a slow deep breath while counting to "6," hold it to a count of "4," and then breathe out slowly to a count of "6."
      • Will decrease the urge to yell at someone
    • Progressive muscle relaxation (tensing / tightening and then relaxing muscle groups)
      • Start with muscle groups below, such as toes and feet, and work up to legs, then buttocks, abdomen, and finally ending with neck and facial muscles
      • Tense or tighten the muscle group while taking a deep breath, hold until a count of "4" and then relax and breathe out
      • Do exercise twice before going to next muscle group
      • Practice whenever feeling tense
    • Imagery
      • Go to your "happy place"
      • Activate the senses when thinking of a calm, happy place
      • Imagine what you see, hear, taste, and feel while there
      • If imagining walking on a beach, think how it feels when the waves gently touch your feet, the smell of the ocean, the sound of the ocean's roar, the taste of the salty water, and etc.
    • Meditation
      • Start with your body being in a comfortable position and in a quiet area
      • Clear your thoughts
      • Practice deep-breathing while focusing on a relaxing word, inspirational verse, a sound (like a hum), or relaxing image to keep other thoughts out
      • This takes practice, if you detect other thoughts coming in your mind, just focus more intensely on that word, verse, sound, or image you decided upon
  • Engage in Self-talk (cognitive restructuring)
    • Challenge negative thinking with positive statements
    • Your thoughts control your feelings, so it's important to keep your thoughts positive, hopeful, objective, and truthful
    • Instead of telling yourself that your parent (or child) never listens to you, say "Perhaps they will hear me better if I'm calm and not yelling."
    • Coach yourself through difficult situations
    • Tell yourself to relax, take a deep breath, not to yell, etc.
    • Tell yourself you can get through it
  • Mentally rehearse your response and others' reactions
    • Practice ahead of time what you plan to say and how the other person might respond so you can be prepared instead of being taken off guard
    • Remember a past argument and what was said to upset you
    • Imagine what you could have said better or how you could have better responded
    • Now you'll be prepared for the next time this happens
  • Be Assertive
    • Stand up for yourself without attacking or hurting someone else
    • Use "I" statements instead of saying "you"
    • Instead of saying to a sibling, "You make me so mad you little brat," you say, "I get upset when ___" (Describe the situation that is annoying you.)

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