Grief and Loss Stressors
Story of Grief / Loss | Grief / Loss Stressors | Five Stages of Grieving
Story of Grief / Loss
After learning my brother had died in a motorcycle accident, my sister and I dropped to the ground crying in the Emergency Department at University Hospital. I was in shock, I could not move, and I was in disbelief. As I was sitting on the ground, one of the nurses came up to me and said, "Do you want to see him?" I looked up at her with a smile and said, "Yeah…but is he dead?" She just nodded her head at me. My last bit of hope was crushed at that very second. How could my nineteen-year-old brother, only two weeks shy of turning twenty, be dead? I could not comprehend what was taking place. It felt like I had a hole in the pit of my stomach and everything was sinking into it.
That night we went home to nothing. It felt as if someone took my heart and left me empty. I could not eat or sleep much for several weeks straight. It seemed unreal having to bury my older brother, whom I have seen day after day for the past eighteen years. Not many people can actually pinpoint the exact minute their life changed. Unfortunately, I can. My life will never be the same, nor will I look at it with the same perspective.
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Grief / Loss Stressors
Studies with depressed teens show they had more stressful life events / losses in the year prior to being depressed. Some mood disorders may, in fact, be precipitated by a loss.
Normally, children and teens may experience a temporary difficulty in functioning at school or in social situations. It is important for them to grieve through their losses. Perhaps being involved in a support group with other children or teens who have experienced a loss of a loved one may help with the grieving process. Unresolved grief causes one to be less able to cope. Healing occurs when the stages of grieving have been completed.
There is no time limit for grieving. It may take years for some people to resolve, accept or forgive the loss. For example, children may often revisit their sadness over their losses through the years. However, when symptoms of depression persist for longer than two months, the child should be evaluated by a professional. Learn more about a child's view of grief.
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Five Stages of Grieving
- Shock / Denial – this is a protective mechanism that helps the person to function for the time being. With denial, the person may refuse to believe what happened. For instance, one teen was waiting for her friend to come to her graduation party and kept texting him to see when he would be there. Finally, she got a call from his sister telling her that he was killed in a motorcycle accident. She refused to believe he was dead, however, and reacted by telling the sister she was lying and that she would be more upset if that had happened. Of course, his sister was experiencing shock. During shock, the person can function as though nothing happened, but may feel like he / she is in a surreal world or place.
- Anger – often there is blaming others for the loss or lashing out at people. Sometimes people act out their anger in other ways. (See Emotive Coping example). The mother of the teen in the story above realized she was blaming her son for causing his own death after she began telling his friends, "Please, don't do this to your mothers." In essence, she was saying to her son, "Look what you've done to me." The anger needs to be processed, though. The mother began to realize that her son was a teenager and that teenagers take risks. Teenagers' brains aren't fully developed in the area of judgment, so they don't gauge risks the same way as an adult. Also, there were other factors that contributed to her son's death besides his risk-taking behavior. Working through the anger helps a person to move through the other stages of grieving.
- Bargaining / Magic – this often involves either cutting a contract with yourself, asking your higher power to take you out of the situation or fantasizing that this is some sort of dream and tomorrow you'll wake up and it will never have happened. This stage helps the person to feel some control over the situation. For example, when one mother saw her son in the hospital emergency room lying dead in a body bag after all attempts of resuscitation had failed, she laid over his body begging God to breathe life back into him, praying for a miracle.
- Depression / Grief / Sadness – this stage involves a lot of "what ifs." The person now turns the anger inward and blames him / herself for the loss. Often this is false guilt, though, and the person really had no control over what happened or no real way to prevent it. This stage provides an opportunity for the person to grow spiritually and perhaps further develop spiritual beliefs as he / she searches for the meaning or purpose of life / death, pain and suffering. Even if the person is somehow at fault, perhaps the person's actions or shortcomings are being used as part of a greater plan.
For example, the mother in the story above thought she should have fought harder to keep her son from buying a motorcycle after he died in his motorcycle crash. However, she began to look at her faith and came to the conclusion that we all have a time to be born and a time to die and that none of us has control over these two situations. In spite of all our efforts, people do die and this is a fact of life. She began to believe that her son's death was part of a Divine plan that she could not fully understand. The mother then began feeling the grief and sadness of the loss without blaming herself or others. Crying is a healthy part of this process and is a sign of healing; it is not a sign of weakness. Crying is a way of surrendering to what has happened and allowing oneself to work through the pain. - Acceptance / Forgiveness / Resolution – accepting the loss doesn't mean you like what happened. It does mean that you are trusting that life can be good again in spite of the hurt and pain the loss has caused you. Sometimes we need to forgive the loss or perhaps someone who has directly caused our pain or grief. Forgiving means letting go of bitterness and revenge, which only harm us and not the offender. To be unforgiving means we are not moving on and letting go, but continuing to allow ourselves to be hurt by the other party or the loss. We feel more powerless when we keep wanting something from others that they cannot give us. Perhaps this is an apology or maybe a change of heart. Nevertheless, we can always grow and move on without seeing any change in the other person or getting back what was taken from us. We take back our power in the situation when we begin reversing the negative consequences in our lives and perhaps by finding new purposes and meanings for our lives.
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