Teen Stressors

Self-Esteem and Sexual Identity Stressors

Low self-esteem can cause a bout with depression.

Explanation | Story of Self-Esteem / Sexual Identity | Tips on Building a Positive Self-Image

Explanation

Low self-esteem can cause a bout with depression or make depression worse. Parents can help build a positive self-image in their children, which can help to protect them from depression and / or suicidal behaviors. The Division of Psychiatry at Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center offers some tips on how to build a positive self-image.

Also, gay and lesbian youth are 2-3 times at greater risk for depression and / or suicide than heterosexual youth. It is suggested that approximately 30% attempted and / or completed suicides are related to issues of sexual identity.

Story of Self-Image / Sexual Identity

Matt just entered ninth grade. He is tall, thin and very shy. He's new at school and doesn't know many people. He's not much of an athlete, but is very good at playing the piano and guitar. Some of the boys made fun of him in gym class when he fumbled the ball, and he just hung his head without saying a word.

Later, a couple of kids started saying Matt was gay because he had never been with a girl. He couldn't tell his parents how hard things were for him at school because he knew they would just tell him to ignore it and that things would get better once people got to know him. Matt just wished he could disappear while at school and started thinking no one cared about him.

Matt's parents later sensed there was a problem. Together, they began validating Matt's feelings and helping him process his thoughts about the teasing. For example, after his dad noticed Matt was quieter at home and didn't seem to want to go to school, he approached Matt and said, "I guess it's not easy starting a new school and making new friends. I remember how alone I felt when my parents enrolled me in a private school." Matt then opened up to his dad about all the teasing. His dad asked him, "Why do you think some kids pick on the new kids at school?" After Matt processed his thoughts about this, his dad asked him what he thought he should do about it and whether he wanted some ideas. Matt then told his dad it would be okay and that he was just glad he could talk things out with him. He now knows his parents are there for him whenever he needs them.

Building a Positive Self-Image in Children

There are three important steps in helping to build a positive self-image in children and teens:

Accepting and Affirming Children and Teens

Children and teens need to feel connected to, loved and accepted by their parents. It is sometimes difficult, though, for parents to communicate love and acceptance when rejecting or correcting a child's behavior. Affirming a child's worth during these times will help parents show love and acceptance. Parents can also better connect with their teens by being emotionally and physically present to them. Read more about accepting children and utilizing building blocks to help build self esteem.

Being physically present means being available to hug, support and encourage. As is the case with children, teens need hugs and to hear the words, "I love you" from their parents. However, they may be more receptive to these at certain times or in different situations. For instance, they may prefer displays of affection when alone with their parents and not in front of their peer group.

Also, divorce or busy work schedules can interfere with parents "being there" for their children, resulting in teens possibly feeling rejected or abandoned by their parent(s) when they aren't around during special events and activities.

Tips on Accepting and Affirming Your Teen: Being Physically Present
Hug your teen daily and regularly say, "I love you." Give full attention to your teen whenever he / she wants to talk (i.e., stop other activities, look directly at the teen, listen without complaining / interrupting Try to attend as many of your child's activities and events as possible, or participate as often as possible in those activities and events that are important to your teen Schedule regular times to be with your child to eat meals, talk or do activities.	Story Tricia and her dad were very close when she was a child. They spent a lot of time together playing games, going to her sporting events and regularly sharing meals and hugs. After her parents divorced, her dad continued to be regularly involved in Tricia's life until he remarried. She then had to share her dad's time with his new wife and stepchildren. Her dad no longer attended all of her sporting events, nor did he spend any one-to-one time with her. Tricia felt abandoned by her dad and began distancing herself from him and his new family. Tricia's dad thought this was typical teenage behavior and never tried to regain their closeness. Tricia felt even more rejected and didn't know how to talk to her dad about it. Learn what Tricia could have done better in this situation.

Tips on Accepting and Affirming Your Teen: Being Physically Present

Hug your teen daily and regularly say, "I love you."
Give full attention to your teen whenever he / she wants to talk (i.e., stop other activities, look directly at the teen, listen without complaining / interrupting
Try to attend as many of your child's activities and events as possible, or participate as often as possible in those activities and events that are important to your teen
Schedule regular times to be with your child to eat meals, talk or do activities.

Story

Tricia and her dad were very close when she was a child. They spent a lot of time together playing games, going to her sporting events and regularly sharing meals and hugs.

After her parents divorced, her dad continued to be regularly involved in Tricia's life until he remarried. She then had to share her dad's time with his new wife and stepchildren. Her dad no longer attended all of her sporting events, nor did he spend any one-to-one time with her. Tricia felt abandoned by her dad and began distancing herself from him and his new family.

Tricia's dad thought this was typical teenage behavior and never tried to regain their closeness. Tricia felt even more rejected and didn't know how to talk to her dad about it.

Learn what Tricia could have done better in this situation.

Being emotionally present involves sharing, accepting, affirming and validating feelings. Affirming and validating teenagers' feelings means letting them know that their feelings are valid responses to their perceptions or viewpoints. Of course, their viewpoints or perceptions may be inaccurate or distorted at times, which may be contributing more to their anger or negative feelings. Validating feelings, though, will help them to process these feelings and ultimately the thoughts and / or perceptions behind them, as well as keep the lines of communication open between parents and their teenagers. Parents will also be better able to share their own perceptions and viewpoints after the teen's feelings have been validated and processed.

Initially, in the Story of Self-Image / Sexual Identity, Matt feared his parents would tell him their perceptions without validating his feelings about being teased and rejected by his peers. Matt then went away feeling more rejected and depressed about his life since he believed his feelings would be ignored by his parents. However, his parents did acknowledge his feelings about the teasing when he finally told them about it. In the story below, Kevin's dad also connected with his son's feelings, which helped Kevin become more open to listen to his dad's feelings and viewpoints about the situation.

Tips on Accepting and Affirming Your Teen: Being Emotionally Present
Allow and encourage your teen to express his / her feelings without fear of being punished, rejected or ridiculed. Accept your teen's feelings. Don't tell your child that he / she shouldn't feel a certain way. Let your teen know that feelings are neither bad nor wrong, but are valid responses to his / her perceptions. Share your own feelings with your teen without attacking. Use "I" statements. Help your teen process his / her feelings before offering your perceptions and viewpoints.	Story Kevin was angry at his parents for not allowing him to go to Florida on spring break with his friends and had been sulking around the house. He wouldn't talk to his parents about it until his dad acknowledged his anger and said, "I know you're angry about not being able to have fun with your friends in Florida." This allowed Kevin to express what he was thinking and feeling about the situation. He responded, "Yeah, you and mom never let me have any fun. You're always treating me like a baby and keeping me from doing things that all my friends do." Instead of acting defensive, his dad validated his son's feelings by saying, "I'd be angry too if I thought my parents weren't letting me grow up or have any fun." His dad then shared a time when he thought his parents were doing that to him when he was a teenager. Now Kevin's dad has connected with his son's feelings while keeping the lines of communication open between them. His dad then explained how much he cared about his son and how concerned he was for his safety. Together they talked about ways Kevin could experience more freedom while showing his parents how he would be responsible and keep safe during these times.

Tips on Accepting and Affirming Your Teen: Being Emotionally Present

Allow and encourage your teen to express his / her feelings without fear of being punished, rejected or ridiculed.
Accept your teen's feelings. Don't tell your child that he / she shouldn't feel a certain way.
Let your teen know that feelings are neither bad nor wrong, but are valid responses to his / her perceptions.
Share your own feelings with your teen without attacking. Use "I" statements.
Help your teen process his / her feelings before offering your perceptions and viewpoints.

Story

Kevin was angry at his parents for not allowing him to go to Florida on spring break with his friends and had been sulking around the house. He wouldn't talk to his parents about it until his dad acknowledged his anger and said, "I know you're angry about not being able to have fun with your friends in Florida." This allowed Kevin to express what he was thinking and feeling about the situation. He responded, "Yeah, you and mom never let me have any fun. You're always treating me like a baby and keeping me from doing things that all my friends do." Instead of acting defensive, his dad validated his son's feelings by saying, "I'd be angry too if I thought my parents weren't letting me grow up or have any fun." His dad then shared a time when he thought his parents were doing that to him when he was a teenager. Now Kevin's dad has connected with his son's feelings while keeping the lines of communication open between them.

His dad then explained how much he cared about his son and how concerned he was for his safety. Together they talked about ways Kevin could experience more freedom while showing his parents how he would be responsible and keep safe during these times.

Back to Building a Positive Self-Image

Fostering Independence and Autonomy

Teenagers need to feel independent and have a sense of autonomy. The line, "Please, mother, I'd rather do it myself," holds especially true for teens. However, they do need guidelines or principles to follow when being allowed to make their own decisions. An example of this would be when a parent gives a teen the freedom to decorate his / her room as long as no safety codes are violated.

Teens will be more cooperative when they are included in the decision-making process, their thoughts and feelings are taken into account, and when they are given reasons for their parents' final decisions. Saying, "Because I said so," when teens ask, "Why?" will only serve to alienate the teen and foster rebellion instead of cooperation.

Teens need to discover for themselves what is important, right, and / or meaningful in life. When parents recognize that this is a process and respect their children's right to think independently, they have a better opportunity to be positive influences in their teens' lives. Parents can then become teachers rather than preachers to their teens, which will encourage an open dialogue between them.

Tips on Fostering Independence and Autonomy in Your Teen
Encourage and allow teenagers to make their own decisions about their lives. Set guidelines and principles to follow when your teen is being allowed to make his / her own decisions. Ask for your teen's opinions and input when making rules and setting consequences within the home. Encourage teenagers to think for themselves and allow them to question, challenge, disagree with and / or explore yours and others' thoughts, opinions and values. It is important to respect their opinion and input, even though you may disagree or have opposing viewpoints. Respect your teenager's privacy, giving them physical and emotional space. Teenagers need to be able to retreat to their own room and trust that no one will be going through their things without their permission. Respect your teen's emotional space by not eavesdropping on phone conversations or reading his / her journals, letters or emails.	Story Maya objected to attending Church services every Sunday with her parents. Instead of immediately demanding that she accompany them, they asked her what she didn't like about going to Church. She replied that most of the people at Church were hypocrites and that going to Church every Sunday didn't seem to help them be better people. Instead of disagreeing with her opinion, her father began asking her questions to help her explore her thoughts and perhaps change her conclusions. For instance, he asked her in a sincere manner whether she thought only people who never do wrong should go to Church. Of course, he could have explored her thoughts about why certain people seemed to be hypocritical, etc., to help her process her thoughts and feelings about this. Nevertheless, after Maya was given a chance to share and process her thoughts and feelings, her parents could then share their feelings and values as well as their own thoughts about her not attending. Allowing her to express her thoughts about not wanting to attend Church services at this time will help foster her sense of autonomy and may influence her to go voluntarily. The lines of communication also remain open between her and her parents to further discuss the matter later.

Tips on Fostering Independence and Autonomy in Your Teen

Encourage and allow teenagers to make their own decisions about their lives.
Set guidelines and principles to follow when your teen is being allowed to make his / her own decisions.
Ask for your teen's opinions and input when making rules and setting consequences within the home.
Encourage teenagers to think for themselves and allow them to question, challenge, disagree with and / or explore yours and others' thoughts, opinions and values. It is important to respect their opinion and input, even though you may disagree or have opposing viewpoints.
Respect your teenager's privacy, giving them physical and emotional space. Teenagers need to be able to retreat to their own room and trust that no one will be going through their things without their permission.
Respect your teen's emotional space by not eavesdropping on phone conversations or reading his / her journals, letters or emails.

Story

Maya objected to attending Church services every Sunday with her parents. Instead of immediately demanding that she accompany them, they asked her what she didn't like about going to Church. She replied that most of the people at Church were hypocrites and that going to Church every Sunday didn't seem to help them be better people.

Instead of disagreeing with her opinion, her father began asking her questions to help her explore her thoughts and perhaps change her conclusions. For instance, he asked her in a sincere manner whether she thought only people who never do wrong should go to Church. Of course, he could have explored her thoughts about why certain people seemed to be hypocritical, etc., to help her process her thoughts and feelings about this. Nevertheless, after Maya was given a chance to share and process her thoughts and feelings, her parents could then share their feelings and values as well as their own thoughts about her not attending. Allowing her to express her thoughts about not wanting to attend Church services at this time will help foster her sense of autonomy and may influence her to go voluntarily.

The lines of communication also remain open between her and her parents to further discuss the matter later.

Back to Building a Positive Self-Image

Helping Teens to Feel Competent

Teens need to feel that what they do is effective and valued by others. However, no one is perfect and teens need to know it's okay not to be perfect. Parents can help their teens see mistakes as opportunities to grow and learn and acknowledge their teens' efforts even if the results aren't up to the parents' expectations. Parents can also help their teens by acknowledging their own mistakes.

Parents can foster competence in their teens by teaching them the basic skills of maintaining life (i.e., cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, etc.) and how to serve others in the process. Teens who do volunteer activities, for example, often feel better about themselves and have a higher self-esteem because they have made a difference in someone else's life.

Tips on Helping Your Teen to Feel Competent
Coach your teens, encouraging them to develop their strengths and interests while helping them to overcome their weaknesses. Never push teens to do something they don't want to do; this will only set them up for failure. Instead, help promote those activities in which the teen shows an interest or talent. Catch child / teen doing something good and share this with him / her. Use words of affirmation while eliminating harsh, demeaning words and yelling when correcting behavior. Avoid comparing your teen to others, especially siblings. Acknowledge your teen's worth in spite of his / her negative behavior. This is crucial. Admit your own mistakes to your child and help him / her to see mistakes as opportunities to grow and learn.	Story John spent a couple of hours mowing the lawn. Afterwards, his dad noticed that the lawn mower had blown grass onto the mulch around the front of the house. Instead of complaining to his son, the dad praised him for finishing the lawn and the effort he made not to miss any grass. Later, he suggested he mow in the opposite direction to keep the grass off of the mulch. John's self-esteem remained unharmed while being taught in the process. Self-Image / Sexual Identity Story In the "Story of Self-Image / Sexual Identity above, Matt wasn't much of an athlete, but had musical talent. Instead of pushing him to play sports, his parents helped him develop his musical interests with piano and guitar lessons. Of course, when he came home after a negative experience playing basketball in gym class, his father could have offered to practice with him. Matt may have refused the offer, which his father should respect while letting him know that the offer was still there whenever he wanted to pursue it.

Tips on Helping Your Teen to Feel Competent

Coach your teens, encouraging them to develop their strengths and interests while helping them to overcome their weaknesses.
Never push teens to do something they don't want to do; this will only set them up for failure. Instead, help promote those activities in which the teen shows an interest or talent.
Catch child / teen doing something good and share this with him / her.
Use words of affirmation while eliminating harsh, demeaning words and yelling when correcting behavior.
Avoid comparing your teen to others, especially siblings.
Acknowledge your teen's worth in spite of his / her negative behavior. This is crucial.
Admit your own mistakes to your child and help him / her to see mistakes as opportunities to grow and learn.

Story

John spent a couple of hours mowing the lawn. Afterwards, his dad noticed that the lawn mower had blown grass onto the mulch around the front of the house. Instead of complaining to his son, the dad praised him for finishing the lawn and the effort he made not to miss any grass. Later, he suggested he mow in the opposite direction to keep the grass off of the mulch. John's self-esteem remained unharmed while being taught in the process.

Self-Image / Sexual Identity Story

In the "Story of Self-Image / Sexual Identity above, Matt wasn't much of an athlete, but had musical talent. Instead of pushing him to play sports, his parents helped him develop his musical interests with piano and guitar lessons. Of course, when he came home after a negative experience playing basketball in gym class, his father could have offered to practice with him. Matt may have refused the offer, which his father should respect while letting him know that the offer was still there whenever he wanted to pursue it.