Teen Stressors

Trauma / Violence / Sexual Abuse Stressors

Explanation

Teenagers who were abused as children are 3-4 times more likely to be depressed / suicidal than those teens who were never abused. This includes teens who have been teased, bullied and physically or sexually abused. Sexual abuse, though, carries the greatest risk for suicide.

Teasing and Bullying

Studies show that victims of teasing and bullying often feel anxious and tense and have low self-esteem. Some victims become depressed and suicidal. Victims of bullying often keep the bullying a secret out of shame or fear that the bullying will get worse if they tell. Victims may also believe they will be blamed for the bullying or told to ignore it or to handle it on their own. For additional information, visit:

Childhood Sexual Abuse

Often the sexual abuser is someone the child trusts, such as a family member, friend or neighbor. Unfortunately, many victims of sexual abuse keep it a secret, which can become a deadly secret if it progresses to the person becoming depressed and committing suicide. Many times children think that no one will believe them or that they will be blamed for the abuse. It is important to listen to children without judging or interrupting and allow them to express feelings or talk about it.

Sometimes children think their parents never listen to them and may then hold their pain inside. Showing children you care about what they say and want to hear them out without reacting to them will provide a safe place for them to talk. It is also important to recognize the symptoms of abuse. Additional information on childhood sexual abuse and resources can be found on the Child Abuse Team / Mayerson Center web site.

Teen Date Rape

Approximately 80% of teen rapes are date or acquaintance rapes. Often, one or both people have been drinking when this occurs, which will raise a question as to whether the victim had the legal capacity to give consent, if that is what the perpetrator says happened. Since many teens say that sex is occurring at parties when people are using drugs or drinking alcohol, it is likely that there are teens who are being sexually abused at these parties. Again, these teens are reluctant to tell because they may be ashamed or afraid of being blamed because they were drinking alcohol or doing drugs at the time.

Story of Trauma / Violence

Cindy, a 17-year-old teenager, had been traumatized when she was 8 years old at a movie theatre. During intermission, she and some friends were by the concession stand when a man from her neighborhood motioned for her to come over by him. She unsuspectingly walked over to him and he then grabbed her and forced his tongue in her mouth. His whiskers stung her face and she quickly broke loose and ran away. She did tell her mom about it and then repressed the memory. However, it wasn't until she started dating that she realized how the event affected her relationship with the opposite sex. For example, the first time her boyfriend leaned over to try to kiss her, Cindy had a flashback of being attacked by the man at the movie theater, which made her feel repulsed by her boyfriend's attempt to kiss her, causing her to push him away. Fortunately, she recognized her problem and asked for help.

Symptoms of Experiencing Abuse

The Division of Psychiatry at Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center provides a list of symptoms for trauma / violence:

Flashbacks – reliving the experience through a memory flashing before your mind's eye. This memory is painful for the person and is usually triggered by some event and isn't intentionally thought about by the person.
Nightmares
Emotional numbing – feeling numb after abuse and / or a painful experience is a protective mechanism against the pain, but is maladaptive because the person is unable to feel pleasure when numb. It is unpleasant to feel numb, which is one reason why some children and / or teens self-mutilate or intentionally hurt themselves.
Avoidance of reminders of the abuse – The person will avoid similar situations of the abuse. For example, many times children who have been sexually abused will refuse to sleep in their bed because the bed is a reminder of where they were abused. Instead, they may sleep on the floor.
Substance abuse
Somatic complaints – These are bodily symptoms that the person experiences without any explanation for it. For example, this may involve having headaches, stomach aches and / or muscle aches for no apparent reason.
Suicidal thoughts
Post-traumatic stress disorder | Learn more about the causes, symptoms and treatment of Post-traumatic stress disorder

Violation of Boundaries with Abuse

Abused children have experienced a violation of their boundaries, which not only causes them to feel unsafe, but often results in them having poor boundaries or boundary problems. Boundaries define us, telling us what is ours and what is not ours. They tell us where our responsibilities stop and another person's begins. Boundaries serve to keep the bad things out while allowing the good things to come in. It is important for children and teens to recognize boundary problems and for them to know how to set appropriate boundaries. Boundaries will help teens be safer in their relationships with others. Some experts have summarized boundary problems as described below.

Examples of Boundary Problems

The Compliant Person – one who can't say "no" to others. This person is a "people pleaser" and runs the risk of saying "yes" to something that is harmful or not good for him / her. For example, Janie's parents thought she was the "model" child and always did what she was told. However, she never learned to say, "No," and ended up having sex with her boyfriend even though she wanted to wait until she was older.

The Non-Responsive Person – one who doesn't respond to the needs of others. This person is either too interested in his / her own needs, makes fun of others' needs, or just doesn't care about or ignores the needs of others. For example, Susie tried to tell her friend, Matt, that she didn't like it when he teased her. Matt replied, "What's the matter? Can't you take a joke?"

The Controller – one who doesn't take "no" for an answer. Controllers will try to get their way by being forceful, manipulative, charming or harassing. For example, Steve manipulated Janie into having sex by telling her, "If you really love me, you'll have sex with me."

The Avoidant – this person will not let someone in to help. He / she does not share feelings or ask for help from others. For example, Marcie was molested by her father when she was younger. She never told anyone and always acted happy on the outside even though she was miserable on the inside.

Setting Boundaries

Step 1: Find a safe place – if abuse is going on, outside help is needed. This may mean getting the police, a local children and family services agency, or trusted friends or family members involved.

Step 2: Communicate verbally – In relationships, you must express your needs or feelings to the other person. You can't assume that others know what you need or how you feel, nor can you expect others to read your mind. Instead, tell someone what you think, don't like or how you feel about things.

For example, Tricia wanted her dad to spend more time with her after he remarried. She thought he gave his new family more attention than he gave to her. She wanted to have more one-to-one time with her dad without having to share him with her stepsisters and stepmother. She finally told him, "I miss doing things alone with you. I would like to spend more time with you by myself." Such open expression may bring about a dialogue between you and the other person, which will help you understand their intentions, thoughts or feelings as well. It's also okay to tell others, "no," without an explanation. Sometimes you need to repeat, "No," "I don't like this" or "I don't want to do this." However, if the other person doesn't respond to or respect your needs or wishes, then go to the next step.

Step 3: Give a consequence – although you have a right to get your needs met, you don't have a right to control someone else. So, instead of telling another person what to do, tell them what you are going to do if their behavior doesn't change. This gives the other person a choice as to whether they want the consequence. Of course, consequences should result when another's behavior is hurting you or keeping you from getting your needs met. Also, the consequence should be reasonable and enforceable. For example, Angie told her boyfriend she was going to break up with him if he continued trying to get her to have sex with him.

Step 4: Enforce – carry out the consequence. This is the final boundary and defines what you will not tolerate from others. Although it may be difficult to do so, the result is worth it. Feeling good about who you are is important and it is important that others respect this. For example, Angie didn't want to lose her boyfriend, but knew she would never be happy if she compromised her values. She and her boyfriend were broken up for 3 months before he decided that he cared too much for her to let his sexual desires get in the way of their relationship. They eventually became engaged and married a few years later.